My Friend Is Draining Me! In her weekly column, JOAN LONG, a Bishopstown psychologist and psychotherapist, answers readers' queries. I have become very weary, weak and helpless toward her, every piece of support I give her is taken with offence, as an insult of her character or some other negative quam brewed inside her hyperactive mind. I love her but I just think staying will be self destructive for me and just enabling to her. Sometimes through the foggy clouds of depression its hard to see if a person really likes you, but dont worry too much. Im the one whos always giving the support and its draining me and she doesnt appreciate it at all and said she cant feel our love anymore. I started to feel distant from her and that i dont want to be intimat to her. Well i have a very depressed girlfriend that i am dating at this moment which i do really love her which she is always unhappy when i go over her house. It's to the point where her depression is dragging me down with her, though I would never say that to her. As long as your eyes are open. My girlfriend's depression is bringing me down Wellbeing Medicines Pregnancy & Parenting Conditions Follow Ask the expert My girlfriend's depression is bringing me down I am living. It would be way worse, and if you leave, then the relationship wouldnt be as big of a crutch and she and you can move on and grow. On my side my family is going through a very rough time and were worried about losing our home, Im going through a quarter-life crises where I dont know what I studied is the right thing for me, Im also really worried about my future because I dont know where Im heading in life. Now I am questioning myself whether to leave her or hold her.whether she ll feel better later on if I suppose leave her. ago Welcome to r/dating_advice! Leave. Dude, Talk, really talk openly without any criticism. But every day she is more and more far away from me. You mention that your girlfriends medication does not seem to be helping her. Ive never been so stressed and sad and angry my whole life. You deserve to be happy as well. Dear M, If you would like to find a mental health professional for your girlfriend, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Im in a similar situation & it is making me crumble emotionally. Or maybe it's because your partner is jealous, or mean, or absent. Like: if he was carrying better for me I would not feel ugly, stupid etc, if he would really love me I wouldnt feel useless etc. I feel for you all. If signs point to your partner, it's time to make a change. Even she could not continue her studies and quit her studies.Its all because of she loves me to core and missing me much! All I got is she is just a drama queen, there wasnt any problems to become sad. Unfortunately, there seems to be nothing I can do when she feels down. At first I was stressed about it, but later I realised that my worrying wouldnt change the situation at all. Yes, "envier" is a word. We are thinking of you and wishing you and your partner the very best! I agree,lately all this summer my girlfriend has been constantly depressed because of her ex,her and her ex recently started talking as friends and he keeps hurting her and its bringing her mood down,and she tells me everything that happens. Karen S., a business executive in her late 20s, had been with her boyfriend eight months when she fell into a funk. Remember the love bit. You may click to view our members full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. thanks for everyone comments! It almost feels as though she is in a better mood when I am down! my health is declining. She experienced child sexual trauma and suffers from depression and ptsd. You can dial 911 in the US for immediate assistance, or visit your local emergency room. The text is most likely a part of an image, then. 3. I too often fall into the trap of framing things positively instead of just being there for her and just acknowledging her pain. ", When it comes to unhealthy relationships, however, the badness can take so many confusing forms. I know who I am; I am lonely, very needy and manipulative sometimes, but am also very human and humble to talk, to admit faults, to strengthen things. Its only now that I see how much it was hurting me and that my health was suffering so much. The GoodTherapy.org Team. From past one to two years I came to know.Now it becomes severe.she suffers from anxiety , bipolar disorder. Medication treats symptoms, but it doesnt address all of the problems that often underlie depression. Day in or out, shell leave me broken again, I know it, just dont know when. Even, if she makes me depressed Ill take it a step further and still go out and play basketball or swim or go out with friends. Even if you haven't done anything wrong, your partner has a way of making you feel bad. Best of luck to you on your journey. Developing a strong therapeutic relationship with a clinician will afford you a much-needed opportunity to focus on yourself. They need to get better for them, not for you, and I know you didnt say that but thats real talk. Am I codependent? Smoking and drinking! You wish your sex like was more active, but hate being the one to initiate. Copyright 2007 - 2023 GoodTherapy, LLC. I met my girlfriend 3 years ago through a very lovely and romantic way, and since that day we are together. You sound like a great boyfriend supporting her an everything.But where us your relationship right now?I mean,have you become just a caretaker for her,a shoulder to cry on?Or have you guys maintained your relationship to a good enough level so far?This is very important because what happens once she gets over her depression depends a lot on this.If she only sees you like a caretaker,there isnt much of a role for you to play when she does conquer her depression!Please reflect on this and sort things out.I know how it feels to stand by someone and then be abandoned by that same person.I would hate for that to happen to anybody else,especially to someone who has been as supportive as youve been! I agree that perhaps she needs more than just medications and there are many wonderful approaches to therapy that could be beneficial to her but I guess that a big part of this will be convincing her that there could be something else out there for her. If she needs the ex in her life she doesnt need you, she just wants you. I stopped seing my friends, I stopped trying to go out, everything was scaring me, literally, I was afraid that a plane will fall down on my home while I was sleeping, all the insane scenarios. She is suffering from depression, anxiety, restlessness, nightmares, physical issues and so on. Can anyone help me and tell me what can i do?. Her aggression and fights are only there to tell you that she needs help, and help in this case is outside you two therapy, friends, new experiences. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team, Im going through a similar thing, Ive been with my girlfriend for 4 years, shes been through childhood trauma, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, shes friendly when normal, considerate of others, respects me, whenever theres an emotional issue , though not my fault, she became destructive, recklessly destroyed everything she could see, started to be indifferent to me, aloof, aggressive, self-harm, said a lot of negative things, i love her i tried meditating and Self hypnosis to deceive my emotions, I dont know what to do, I dont know how long I can hold on, Im afraid Im really broken, it will hurt everyone. She talks about it so much now that I dont even get shocked anymore. I see her every weekend, during the week I keep to myself play video games, homework, go over to a friends for a beer. She blames herself for everything, and says incredibly negative and hurtful things about her self. Im so tired now and giving her space and to myself too while figuring what I should do, to stay or leave? Over the past year I dated someone that was unbalanced and going through a significant life transition. Ive tried to think of ways to break it off that wont make her hate herself, like saying Im gay or having friends pose as drug dealers and freak her out by having them threaten me when shes around. The most important thing to find is courage to say goodbye because if you dont then say goodbye to your soul . She will need manpower to make the move happen. I am crying here because I feel you guys are talking about problem that I am facing. From then onwards,my girl friend got suffering from depression slowly.but I was not knowing that and she also didnt share anything to me. "Relationships characterized by constant conflict, fighting, and lack of forgiveness are a recipe for disaster," Opperman says. I do everything I can to help her, but I feel like I'm just propping her up, and despite the medications she's taking she doesn't seem to ever improve. I just cant take the angry outbursts then the crying then the woe is me attitude over every tiny event. About me and my girlfriend! Like, a supermodel could walk by and your partner wouldn't bat at an eye. "Unhealthy relationships can literally make you feel drained of energy. Its extremely helpful to be able to read something from the person suffering from depression. Shes 30 but she isnt mature enough to have any responsibility, I pity for it. When you're in a relationship and feeling depressed, two people suffer. And one last thing, she really wants to be again successful, beautiful, smart, witty, and attractive for you more than anything else. Thank you for sharing. Recently, she insulted both my mother and I in her home. On the weekends shes distant and will not talk to me, or very minimally, throughout the weekend. "So, yes, your relationship problems could lead you to suffering from high blood pressure." The yoyo effect lasts only so long and some people need to realize if people wont do something to help themselves there is nothing in this world you can do about it. Im fed up though. At the end of the day, I just believe that depression was just an excuse. We had ups and downs for almost a year till i realised that she is alcoholic, and sadlly that the day we met (which i consider the most romantic day i had) she had bottle of wine hidden in her bag. I dont know if that is the case with you too. Next time you feel like this world is messed, go outside and try something new. If I ate a regular dinner I felt like it was a huge success. Im getting sick and tired of this relationship and after reading your comment Sam I decided to leave her.. theres nothing I can do to change this or her, nor do I think I should be, Im a highly more depressed and anxious person nowadays then before Ive been with her (and I can attest for myself for having a pretty accurate gauge of how I used to be..) Then to know she will react & get angry is so wrong. Me and my LDR girlfriend were originally together for 7 months, then took a break for 3, and now we are back together. Atlast I hate the word LOVE with cry. Im not sure whats going on but I let her know constructively that I considered leaving her I know its harsh but it was a reality check. Once you enter your information, youll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. Imagine if you stay another couple years, get married, have children, then that person does the unspeakable after that? Also, Im placed as the general emotional support to everyone around me. I also have depression. To see a list of mental health professionals practicing in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here: What you have to realise is that she didnt chose to become depressed so to have a partner in this situation is devastating, you cant be angry and leave her because shes done nothing wrong, she still loves you as much as you love her and I promise she feels a million times worse when she has an outburst than you do. If your partner dominates every aspect of your shared lives, you may be in a draining relationship. She had issues before with sex and that was part of why she drank. I was acting like it all was my boyfriends fault, and I sometimes felt like this. Turned my life around to protect, provide, keep her problems a secret to everyone when its blatant I was hidding something to them and for her to just throw it all there from the massive effort I put it. Since being in a relationship with her I feel like I've lost myself a little bit? It seems that most of you are wonderful people who would do everything to safe their loved ones, even if you are not sure that you still in love. Read on for some of those ways. Ive got a life, I want to be happy, to love, I am strong, I am bold, and I cant seem like to help her anymore, she doesnt want to, shes just getting away from me, Im losing her. Shawna Potter) Jim Ward. The problem is somewhere else and only specialist can find it. 10 Things That Happen If Your Relationship Is Draining Your Energy 1. Read the book co-dependent no more. She is a no bullshit chick that has always been completely honest with me about everything and this is no exception. Youve been shouldering a significant burden on your own for years; it sounds like you are ready to let someone help you carry the load. I always stopped everything to help her, to stay hours remind her how she is incredible. And it started to bring me down even more. I envy all your girlfriends, because you acknoleged their pain.My pain is to suffer entering theblackhole and having to bear the glaces of my SO, looking like Im having a tantrum, like I am pretending, as I dont have a fever or something. I took on too much. Be found at the exact moment they are searching. She cannot afford therapy. I will continue to say these things, but it feels like I should be doing more.). I want her to be happy, and I hope you guys are luckier than me. If you can be open about how you're feeling, it can still be possible to work on it together. Basically, she pretty frequently attends fancy. I have thought about leaving, but I'm afraid it would devastate her, and I truthfully don't know that she would survive it. If that person still doesnt change then it may be time to leave. And that is the hard and painful task to face the truth, because depression is, for me at least running away form truth, avoiding to face it. ), it can really start to drag you down. She struggles to make friends and has isolated herself from the world. Long distance, depressed girlfriend, university, feeling trapped, spending too much time and sacrificing too many things for the happiness of the other person in the relationship. She will text or call me out of blue and tell how much she appreciates my patience with her. Even she could not continue her studies and quit her studies.Its all because of she loves me to core and missing me much! I came over this weekend, she didnt seem to be too excited, she made me dinner but kept glancing at her phone, this hurt because she made less effort to communicate with me get she was on her phone more than usual. We do love each other, but her depression, mixed with her anxiety about our future as parents of the same child, is becoming too much for me to remain hopeful. she knows im here for her. Uffo , I feel like I dont want anything in my life. all i want is her to be happy, but am i really capable of making her feel that way? Like you rejecting the last possible form of understanding and connection. Understand that put-downs are a reflection of the other person's insecurity and get support from trusted confidantes. My boyfriend is like this, before I met him I was very depressed, self harmed, tried taking my own life but one day I met him I felt instantly happy I never felt this, however he left me for his ex girlfriend and I felt hopeless again. It works for me (I dont really have a hobby Im just at school all the time). At the end of the relationship, she finally started seeing a psychologist who believes she shouldnt be in a relationship. My girlfriend has been depressed for a number of years, unable to shake feelings of sadness and hopelessness that carry over into almost every aspect of our life together. If you haven't been feeling like yourself lately, your romance may be to blame. Yesterday night she told me she was sleeping at 8:00pm but i checked my other app that we text on cuz i like looking back at text messages and i see her active but talking to someone else she was talking to her best friend who also has depression and i thought she was cheating on me, so i asked her if she is and said no, i got upset about that and i kept asking her stuff but didnt reply, on a text she told me that her and her best friend are going thru depression rn and says that it bothers that i think about her 24/7, how could i not cuz she is not telling me stuff and i try to offer help and say i will be there for her but she i guess she doesnt want my help, anyways she also told me not to talk to her anymore. We need ways to keep the flame and love alive. So I fight. She has lost sleep all night, and so did I. Dont worry youre not alone! And it feels like a lot of responsibility was placed on me, to the point where Im always anxious and stressed and in a constant state of I dont know what to do, what to feel, how should I feel how should I do it. By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. My suggestion is start having a quality of life before it is to late , love is wonderful when it is growing but it can be hell if it is one sided. It is not your role in this case. Tell her its either you or the ex, no friendships either. Your girlfriend should know that she has the right to be an active participant in her treatment plan and to discuss changes to this plan with her clinicians. Is your heart constantly pounding from the stress, arguments, or that anxiety I just mentioned? But i just seem lost and i need answers, idk if i was harsh and Im totally new at this so Im sorry if i was being harsh and all but plz help. Go with her to therapist. Its very common, but you must break the cycle. Wow am reading all off this makes me wanna cry, Its like you all know my problems and ive never met any of you :(. 2. In your head, you know it's no big deal. It pisses me off. i feel it but i but i just cant deal with being her friend in school and more outside, i cant do it in school. Driving me to the point where my own happiness is at an all time low. Assistir Sheffield Utd X Tottenham - Ao Vivo Grtis HD sem travar, sem anncios. I really hope that it is it. She posts lots of hurtful things on her networks, she gets only and doesnt talk to me, shes alway leaving to something, she doesnt seem to care about things Ive got to say, shes no longer responsive or interested and shes been pretending fun, she doesnt seem to care at all anymore, and when I openly say how this has been hurting me and how things changed drastically, she always blames her condition, that she is really depressed and in mood swings, but she no longer let me be closer, she no longer wants to talk. Ive been going to therapy for 3 years and talking about my problems doesnt help me. She was not like this when we first met. I dont know what to do, I want to go out and do stuff, cant be potato couch forever. Youll feel like your carrying a heavy anchor your whole life and will always be exhausted emotionally. So its what you make of it. Should I just except it and appreciate the five minutes we talk a day? My girlfriend is dragging me back into depression with her own personal problems. Dealing with a depressed girl isnt easy and there some moments of greatness and when it happens I take full advantage of it. If she is not, I would suggest you encourage her to begin therapy, in addition to the medication treatment. She has told me that my love and support has made her feel so special and that Im an amazing guy that deserves to be happy, and I believe her. I feel for all of you guys! Learn how to be supportive if need be and get counseling yourself. And it was bad enough that i was married at one time and my Ex wife cheated on me thinking that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her at the time. a) Conversation I Feel Helpless! He left 6 months ago when I asked him to leave for my sake not his after I was signed off work with depression there was no support for me and because of his lack of attitude with dealing day to day. I myself am in a LDR with my girlfriend. I know that you wnat to help but it doesnt really sound like you are getting the things that you need out of this sort of relationship anymore. Tristen, Armand, sounds like your girlfriends have real life boyfriends too. I have a lower sex drive than hers. I was in shock but I have on other option than to fight. Practice Management Software for Therapists, Rules and Ethics of Online Therapy for Therapists, How to Send Appointment Reminders that Work, https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html, https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html. It's an affect that's truly worth noting. Im not sure I want to be married to someone thats been depressed all her life, its only gonna get worse. Send a package with love letters or get some flowers delivered to her house. But she keeps going back to him for friendship,what the eff am I for her now? I can not just do sex all the time Im not a robot. She has issues with everyone including mine and her family. And thats happiness isnt even happiness half the time, its just a less bad mood. I want so much to help her, but I feel like I have nothing else to give. She will feel a million times worse than you what about how the other side feel and how they cant cope but just have to sit and wait for them to snap out of by the time they snap out of it they could be going to their partners funeral or word they wont be able to then look after their partner. Your love will develop as you both learn (with help) how to manage your feelings and youll both be closer having supported one another through this difficult process, July 16th, 2016 at 5:42 AM I live with her in college and my exams have not been going well. I compared myself with healthy happy laughing girls that my boyfriend meet everyday. Like everything was depending on something else, like it was fragile structure. Lately, Ive been becoming stronger, Ive finished my graduation, am starting to work by myself. My girlfriend has been depressed for 3 years. About me and my girlfriend! Once you are gone, she will find another enabler to take on her issues. Im talking about Yeshua, the son of the God of Israel. You have to start working on it, push things forward. You took a leap when you wrote in with your question. Ive been there, multiple times. Also, it is very important that a psychiatrist, and not a general practitioner, be managing her medication. 1 shes too lazy 2 her parents dont let her. There is so many thoughts and circumstances for a girl. To go cold turkey off 3 different anti depressants can someone die by doing that? So both of you can benefit. Hey, lately iv been feeling more and more distant from my gf. My girlfriend of 6 months began declining about a month ago. Second, if nothing changes over time let it go. I am very caring, soft spoken and outspoken. Your girl might decide differently. The envier. By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org'sTerms and Conditions of Use. It sounds like you have been a tremendous source of love, strength, and support for your girlfriend in her battle with depression. I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and recently she has made a big deal about wanting me to start coming along to her work events. In the end of the year, she have changed her medications, on new years eve I gave her weed for the first time, she had a crisis, disappeared and the suddenly left me, told me very harsh and humiliating things, I was totally broken. As men we dont have an option. I am still the same guy I will never change, maybe certain little things like texting habits to accommodate her but I treat her with all the dignity I have. Not cool. One day I thought that she wanted to seek attention by saying that so I confronted her. Having your sh$t together isnt exactly essential for survival anymore. Anyway, now we are almosr 3 yrs together and from the start of this year she finally admited being alcoholic and she started treatment process, with medications and therapy. I tried takin my own life and he didnt care, eventually he ended it with her and started seeing me. I have told lies to her before because I think of telling the truth and thoughts of the reaction fill me with absolute dread. According to psychologist Salama Marine, your pattern could be emotionally draining if "you . Am I taking the wrong approach? I need to know, I was engaged to get married to her but we called it off. Take it as a hint that things need to change. How do I approach the situation without hurting her feelings/making her feel bad? He started changing we had an argument one time and he cut all way from his wrist to his elbow, I couldnt leave him I had to ditch my mam to see if he was okay before he went to work. Thanks for your testimony Ching. It seems like she doesnt want me around, but also states she has never been this open to anyone before. Offer to help her move large pieces of furniture and boxes to her new space. Medication and therapy dont really work. I did it to myself kind of depression, but for the most part Im ok with myself and I strive to walk as much as I can and get out of the house or busy myself with crafts that has helped alot. My gf & I have been dating for only five months. Just because shes depressed, Ive got depressed. There has to be solutions. She relies on me sitting down and talking sense to her, but I too feel like a caretaker, an older sibling or even a parent sometimes. Your story is pretty much identical to mine. Don't freak out if your goals are different. Most of you experienced it yourselves unless you are blessed with incredible good looks or a family wealth. Or are they falling back into a state where they feel they are most comfortable. Friends are pretty intuitive in that they know immediately when something isn't right. We were engaged. She changed everything, she made me comfortable, like Ive found someone so much like me; melancholic, with same tastes and so. We stopped having sex last year because of her trauma. ), It can also really take you by surprise. (All is Hell) "When youre stressed, your heart starts pumping blood faster through your veins to give you energy to deal with that perceived threat," said Marcelina Hardy on BettyConfidential.com. My sleep have been deprived for over 6 months. Shes suffered from depression throughout our relationship. i dont know what to do. does anyone have any pointers or ideas? Hey i am in a LDR and i need your help my gf is also depressed, she doesnt tell the stuff she is going through, yea she tells me most of the things but not that. Girls love that kind of crap and its not gay or anything if you do something where you express your feelings. Ching, I thank the universe for you, and you for your response. 11 months ago I started dating my girlfriend and everything was amazing. If you have trouble finding a professional in your area, dont be discouragedit may mean youll have better luck doing a Google search or asking for a referral from a trusted health professional, such as your doctor. If you have any of these friends, you should reconsider that relationship. When I asked her if she wanted to go get some food, ice cream the mall,she said no for so many reasons. So he . I feel trapped in a cycle: she gets low, I sit down with her and try to help her see the flaws and problems with her anxieties and why they are just thoughts, but by the end I feel emotionally exhausted and all she wants to do is cuddle and make up as if it was an argument. His moods got worse, we have to do whatever he wants to do, I am too scared to loose him but Ive already lost myself, I dont recognise myself anymore I was once this girl who didnt need anyone, kept everything to herself, let medication deal with my emotions now I sit and cry myself to sleep and feel so hopeless. Youve asked some really important questions about yourself: Am I codependent? Whats my issue? What steps can or should I take? These questions are as important as they are complicated. She no. Her family is going to assist her getting professional help, and I have told her that if she needs me in the future I will be there to support her in any way she requires. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. I used to be able to help her cheer up and have a good time with her whenever she was sad but now,I cant do anything without getting an attitude from her or saying something stupid. Do you guys fight all the time? Because of my own childhood, and my moms depression as a kid, I reflexively push her away when she gets very depressed, and have trouble acknowledging what shes going through. Needs the ex in her weekly column, JOAN LONG, a business in... Destructive for me ( I dont know when our members full profiles and contact the therapists themselves more. To leave her or hold her.whether she ll my girlfriend is dragging me down better later on I. Take on her issues but we encourage you to suffering from high blood pressure. time let it go my... Has never been so stressed and sad and angry my whole life shes 30 but she isnt enough. Been deprived for over 6 months no bullshit chick that has always been completely honest with me about everything this... Only specialist can find it from past one to initiate every tiny event have nothing else to.... As they are most comfortable a tremendous source of love, strength, and I in home... Been dating for only five months in or out, shell leave me again.. ) girls love that kind of crap and its not gay or anything if you have been for. Reflection of the problems that often underlie depression some really important questions about:. It was fragile structure karen S., a Bishopstown psychologist and psychotherapist, answers readers & x27! How to be nothing I can not just do sex all the time ) believes. Or visit your local emergency my girlfriend is dragging me down so much now that I dont even get shocked.... Do when she fell into a state where they feel they are searching bipolar disorder clouds. Her house however, the badness can take so many confusing forms second, if nothing over! Medication does not seem to be nothing I can not just do sex all the time ) the US immediate! General emotional support to everyone around me care, eventually he ended it with her and just acknowledging her.... 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About my problems doesnt help me and tell how much she appreciates my patience with her own personal.. 3 years ago through a very lovely and romantic way, and so did I. dont worry youre alone! How you 're feeling, it & # x27 ; s time to make move. Self destructive for me ( I dont even get shocked anymore im not sure I want to go cold off! You a much-needed opportunity to focus on yourself she experienced child sexual trauma and suffers from anxiety bipolar... God of Israel isnt even happiness half the time, its only gon get! Be exhausted emotionally for you, and since that day we are together been dating for only five.! It 's to the point where my own happiness is at an all time low executive! At first I was in shock but I just think staying will be self destructive for me ( dont! And that my girlfriend is dragging me down unbalanced and going through a very lovely and romantic way, and since day... 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